We all have pieces
My story is filled with broken pieces, bad choices, and ugly truths. More importantly it is filled with a major comeback and peace in my soul.
“What is your biggest regret?” This was one of my interview questions in 2003 when I interviewed for PA school at 22 years old. The only regret I could think of at that time, was the apartment that my now ex-husband and I had choose to live in because it was in a horrible location and took forever to get to work. I think back and laugh at my innocent and naïve answer and I now know that by that time I had already made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I just hadn’t realized it yet.
Our broken pieces come in all shapes and sizes. Some big, some small, some with more jagged edges than others. But our pieces are what make each one of us who we are today. Life doesn’t always take us on the path that makes sense or that we will understand, but even in the moments that I thought would utterly destroy me, break me, and tear me down, there was always something beautiful waiting on the other side of the pain. It may take months, years, or sometimes maybe even a lifetime to realize it. But it will come and when it does, the broken pieces somehow seem to make a little more sense.
It has taken me a long time to not be ashamed of my pieces. I have hidden in the light or more accurately the darkness of perfectionism. The perfect marriage, the perfect kids, the perfect house, the perfect job and the perfect me, so people thought. Friends, family members, co-workers, and acquaintances would comment on how great and wonderful my life was and how happy I looked. Little did they know, they did not know the real me, my real life and how utterly exhausting it all was. How could they? I didn’t even know the real me. I have only recently, in the past 5 years, begun to figure out who Angela is. I’m no longer the 17 year old version of me that was lured into a narcissistic trauma cycle so many years ago.
My faith, children, family, friends, new love and therapist saved me. I now know I am enough, we are all enough. You are not alone and do not have to walk through this journey of life alone. Find yourself and find your people. It doesn’t matter if it takes days, weeks, months or years. One of the best pieces of advice my therapist gave me when I was feeling anxious or had toxic repeating thoughts was, “get out of your head and into your body.” Whatever that means to you. Some suggestions that helped me are:
Exercise or sports
Mindful breathing, meditation or journaling in Peace with my Pieces Journal
Making love.
Connecting with nature and gardening.
Hugging a friend.
Getting a massage.
Doing the things you fear or trying something new.
Listening to music and dancing.
The mind-body connection are so powerful. We must keep both in balance and healthy to be able to heal from our traumas. It starts with baby steps. Step 1 for me was admitting to myself that is was not my fault and repeating it over and over until I believed it deep down in every fiber of my being. What will be your first step? Or if you have already taken it, what was your first step?
Peace
